I work with a precious nurse named Leah who has experienced the heartbreak of a full-term pregnancy loss. She has occasionally shared snippets about her grief journey (even through the joy of welcoming another baby the following year), and her words are so eloquent and wise, I asked if she would be willing to share about it on my blog. Today is the anniversary of the day Leah said goodbye to Jewel Cates, knowing it would not be a forever good-bye. I am honored that she is sharing her story on my blog and know her words will bless you…Here is Leah’s story…
Growing up in a Christian home, I have heard about Jesus my entire life and came to know Him at an early age. On March 27th 2023 my second daughter was stillborn. For the first time in my life I had to dig deep into who Jesus really was to ME…and friends, He is so, so, good.
My husband, Kyle, and I moved eleven hours away from our home in North Carolina to Memphis,Tennessee when our oldest daughter, Selah Belle, was 3 months old. It took quite some time to conceive her so you can imagine the surprise when we discovered I was expecting again when she was 13 months old. Looking back on that entire season I can see the tapestry the Lord was weaving and all that he was preparing me for.
On the day I found out I was pregnant, there were tears, and they weren’t the happy kind. I was overwhelmed and afraid. I thought “Lord I have a baby, what am I going to do with two?!” While taking in our news, I remember thinking, “Wow, I feel like I have a better understanding of what other women must feel like when they have an unexpected pregnancy. I’m married with a loving husband, two good jobs, and we even want to grow our family at some point. How must those who don’t have any of that feel?” I had no idea that 18 months later I would be speaking to those very women at a crisis pregnancy center. The Lord is so intentional, isn’t He?!
There are SO many God moments throughout our pregnancy, but that’s for another time. We found out at our anatomy scan that we were adding another precious daughter. We named her Jewel Cates – after my great- grandmother Jewel, and her great-grandfather Clarence Cates, who adopted my mother-in-law after he married her mother. He gave her his last name, and even more, shared Jesus with her. Her name also comes from Proverbs 3:15-18, “She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her, those who hold her fast are called blessed.” That was my prayer over her and her life throughout my pregnancy.
While working a shift in the NICU, I realized towards the end of the day that I couldn’t recall the last time I felt her move. Also being an L&D nurse, I walked over to triage to put myself on the monitor. It was there I discovered she no longer had a heartbeat. I was 37 weeks pregnant.
I went home that night, deciding to come back the next morning to begin the induction process. As I watched the sun rise, with tears streaming I cried out, “Jesus help me!” I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the next few days, hours or minutes. My sweet Jesus delivered.
I got just over 24 hours with Jewel Cates. And those were the most spirit-filled, peaceful hours. I got to read to her, sing to her, and memorize every little detail that I could. In those short 24hrs she had no less than four outfit changes-I joked with the staff that from that alone you knew she must be mine!
Even through the ugly that was her physical death, I was in awe of the precious life the Lord had knit together-the long fingers like her big sis and daddy, the head full of dark hair and the most perfect and petite little lips. Admiring a newborn always points me back to the awesomeness of God and His design!
As strange as it might sound, there was joy in that hospital room! I was so proud to be Jewel’s mother, and just as I had with Selah Belle, I wanted to show her off. “Look at my beautiful girl!” I wanted to shout to anyone who walked through the door. And alongside that joy there was unexplainable, pure, peace.
The following evening I was left alone with her for the first time. My husband had taken my mother back home to check on Selah Belle. I knew we would have to say our earthly goodbyes soon. I got out of bed, held the most precious gift, and with my worship music loud I danced. And sang. And through tears I said, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
So much was tied to those two words. Thank you Lord Jesus for the honor and privilege to be Jewel Cates’ mother. Thank you that, because of Your Son and His death, she is with You now. Thank you that You loved me enough to watch Your Son suffer so that I may be with You one day too. Thank you that You are near.
Oh, sweet friends, He was so near. My singing soon turned to sobs, but I physically felt Him wrap His arms around me and envelope me in peace. Almost as if He said, “I’m here now. I’m letting you grieve in doses you can handle, but you’re not drowning. I’ve got you.”
When Kyle returned, I knew it was time to say goodbye. She was changed into the monogrammed gown she was to go home in. I held her close and gave her kiss after kiss before laying her in the bassinet, covering her up and laying a sweet bear by her side. Kyle and I sang, “Jesus loves me” and tucked her in tight. All the while the song, “Oh praise the Name” by Hillsong Worship was playing in the background.
“Oh Praise the name of the Lord our God / oh praise His name forevermore / For endless days we will sing your praise / oh Lord, oh Lord our God!”. We praised Him as we said goodbye, we praised Him as we buried her ashes on family land, and we have praised Him many times since that day. We have praised Him in our pain, suffering and anger. He is a big God and can handle all of my big emotions!
I know I will see my baby girl again one day, and I eagerly await to be reunited. Until then, my biggest desire is to honor her little life and our story by pointing others to Jesus. What a gift for her short life to have a kingdom impact, to draw hearts to Jesus, and to encourage believers to walk in a deeper faith.
My life will forever be viewed as “before” Jewel and “after” Jewel. Although I am only three years into this after- season, I have already seen the Lord use her for so much good. When I think back on this season, one verse that comes to mind is Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.”
The Lord has worked so much good from something that the world would only see as tragic. My job as a nurse at a crisis pregnancy center allows me to speak to women daily who are feeling helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, and often have had to go through their own trauma and grief. I get to share the love of our heavenly Father and the hope we can have in Him.
I started at Life Choices at the same time as another nurse. Within a few months she shared she was expecting her third child. Her precious son had some complications and died shortly after birth. Walking through the death of a child with a dear friend has brought healing and comfort to myself and allowed me to bring comfort to her. This dear friend is now overseas with her family as missionaries, and I often think how the Lord brought us both to Life Choices just for us to meet and walk this road together!
After losing Jewel Cates, I am a better mother, wife, and friend. I have the empathy and compassion that I did not have. I have a heavenly perspective that was missing before her, and one that I treasure so dear. I was told by the mother of another stillborn daughter that heaven would feel different for me now and she was so right.
My baby girl never took a breath on this side of heaven, but her absence here has made heaven feel closer, more real, and more longed for. There is so much more yearning now, not only to see my girl, but to be in the presence of Jesus. My Savior, my friend, and comforter in my darkest hour. More than ever I feel this earth is not my home. “Hymn of Heaven” by Phil Wickam says it perfectly, “How I long to breathe the air of Heaven / Where pain is gone and mercy fills the streets / To look upon the One who bled to save me / and walk with Him for all eternity / And when every prayer we prayed in desperation / the songs of faith we sang through doubt and fear / In the end we’ll see that it was worth it / When he returns to wipe away our tears.”
Isaiah 61:3 “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.” The Lord has made something so beautiful out of my tragedy, brought true joy after mourning and praise after (and during) my despair. I know He can do the same for you!
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 was a verse that meant a lot to me early on. “Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. The Father of tender mercies and the God of ALL comfort, who comforts us in all our trials”. It wasn’t until months later that I read the 2nd half of that verse. “So that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”
This verse inspired, in part, the name of our youngest daughter- Mercy James. She is a daily reminder of the faithfulness of God and his goodness. This life is not without its heartache, but what joy that can be found walking it with Jesus!
© 2026 Leah Holder
