How To Learn To Love Yourself

“It will be so fun!” my friend gushed as I silently concocted excuses to get out of going. I usually love gathering with friends, but a ladies’ tea? Kinda fancy style? If you don’t know me very well, let me illuminate you…I am not a Fancy Nancy. I hate dressing up. I will never be a sedate church lady, and I’m perfectly ok with that. Because I am comfortable with my little tribe of women, I will unashamedly show up to lead Women’s Bible study at my church in a tee shirt and jeans with no makeup. I’m the kind of gal you might find at a redneck campfire, not a ladies’ tea! But I went to the tea. 

And guess what? I had a blast! We enjoyed delicious food, breathtakingly beautiful decor and flower arrangements, sweet fellowship and the amazing gift of hospitality from the hostess. Her home is beautiful! So why did I initially not want to go? I really had to ponder that. I realized that I was remembering thoughts that I had struggled with in the past. 

Thoughts of not measuring up. Of not being as beautiful as the other women, as sophisticated, talented, feminine, girly-girl…blah, blah, blah…you get the idea. Thoughts that a tomboy like me always felt when I was around feminine women. Have you ever struggled with comparing yourself to others? 

I began to realize, though, that while I was at the tea, I had none of the thoughts that might have plagued me in the past. Thoughts like: “Wow, her makeup is so on-point- I wish I knew how to make mine look like that” or “Her outfit is so cute, and I look like someone from Little House on the Prairie.” I realized that the comparison game was finally over for me. 

Oh, I still compare. I continue to admire other women for their beauty, poise, decorating skills, and other talents that I lack. But I can admire them now without feeling insecure. I don’t feel that I have to be like them anymore. I realize how special God made me, and I have specific talents that He gave me in order to glorify Him. He could have gone a little lighter on the goofiness talent, but I haven’t talked to Him about that yet….

What changed my perspective? The world tells us we need to love ourselves more in order to feel better about ourselves. Did I somehow lose my insecurity by gaining some extra measure of self-esteem? Did I learn to embrace my individuality by developing a deeper sense of self-love? Nope. 

Actually, it was kind of the opposite. I realized that I didn’t need to think about myself so much because God doesn’t want me to love myself more. 

It’s true. We are commanded to love God. We are commanded to love others. But there is no commandment to love ourselves. In fact, in Matthew 22:39, when Jesus says to “love your neighbor as yourself,” He assumes that we all just naturally love ourselves! Loving oneself is just something that sinful people naturally do. But loving God and loving others is a work of the Holy Spirit. 

When we are thinking about ourselves, we can’t truly love others. And the converse is also true. When we are focused on loving others, we forget about ourselves and our insecurities. We are focused on building up the other person, not building up ourselves. 

How freeing! Not focusing on myself enables me to actually love others and love myself in the way God wants me to. Not in a selfish, preoccupied way, but understanding that my value is only in relation to who I am in Christ. Because of who I am in Christ, I can live with God’s glory as my goal, and loving others as Jesus did brings Him glory. And THAT brings soul satisfaction, the kind of self-love that the world cannot understand. 

“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it,” (Matthew 16:25).